March 29, 1850
Isabella’s ill – very ill. This didn’t stop her from creating another human, however. His name is Hugh, but I can’t help but feel like he was born out of fear. I still miss John. I haven’t been seeing much of her lately and I know very well that time is ticking away. Ever since I’ve taken my law exam and jumped right into George Mackenzie’s position in 1835, life hasn’t slowed down to give me any free breaths. She’s running out of breaths to take.
“As a criminal lawyer who took on dramatic cases, Macdonald got himself noticed well beyond the narrow confines of the Kingston business community. He was operating now in the arena where he would spend by far the greatest part of his life – the court of public opinion. And, while there, he was learning the arts of argument and of persuasion that would serve him all his political life.” wrote biographer Richard Gwyn.
I know my way around the court. I can bend words to be biased and get you on my side in no time but when it comes to the case of my own personal tragedy – I cannot think of any other sentence for myself but to turn to my bottle. To drink away those last moments, to find comfort in those last drops. In the past six years she’s gone from by my side to left in New York, pregnant to childless to pregnant again, opium addicted to invalid, and I miss her. Political advancements have whisked me along their side and there is no chance to slow down.
I want to be a good father but seeing this two week old infant doesn’t feel quite as real as the last time. I want to be a good father but I can cradle a bottle all too easily, I want to be a good husband but my country calls and I hear it too loud to ignore. Exactly seven years ago I celebrated my first victory and that sensation has been just about as addicting as the liquid I ingest. My lawful experience proved useful to get me where I am today but just four years ago I had no choice but to give up my law firm income and spend majority of my time in Montreal to fulfill my duties as Receiver General. Isabella could not come to Montreal. She did join me that June, however, and those two months before our first son passed away were the closest to enjoyable it could get under these circumstances.
I know what’s coming. I am not a complete fool and I can see that Isabella’s time is limited. However, this time must be spent to it’s full potential. I’ve been an official part of Parliament since 1843 aligning with the Conservatives, and now I represent Kingston in Legislative Assembly of the Province of Canada as elected. Things are moving quickly, and change is coming soon. I can’t let anything slow me down.